Don't stop fighting

Today, I got a message from a person I consider to be very beautiful, smart, funny and one of life’s great survivors; telling me they wanted to end their life. Whether it was a genuine threat, or a cry for help, I don’t know... but I’m very hardcore when it comes to issues like this. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic or cold, because I’m not. I know the person in question will read this.

I understand depression. I understand wanting to end it all and take an exit card. I’ve been there. I’ve been to the darkest corners of me and the bottom of the pit more times than I care to remember.

The latest being, and those who know the story, will know that I wanted to give my life to save that of a person who was the world to me; a sister and a friend. I would pray every day, to whoever was listening, that she recovered and that I should get sick in her place, but it doesn’t work like that.

When she died, at the age of 33, a part of me died too. I lost interest in every aspect of living. I was a walking dead person. I quit my life, stopped singing, stopped practicing natural medicine, moved country and started over again from nothing. Yet, nothing helped. Five years on, it is still the hardest thing I’m having to deal with. It was especially painful for me because I did die after I fell 200 meters off a mountain. To this day, nobody knows how I came back to life. There is no rhyme or reason of why I survived.

Life seemed very unfair that a mother of two beautiful girls should be taken from this world, when me, a single young woman should still be alive. I even blamed myself for her passing, because for all that I’m a trained healer and for all the successful healing I’ve administered to other people, I couldn’t save the one person I desperately wanted to. She turned to me and I let her down. I failed her.

After she died, I went through all the phases of sadness, numbness, anger, resentment, self hatred, self pity, tiredness and so much more. Yet, the truth, as horrible as it is to accept, is that I couldn’t save her. We are all given a certain amount of time on this planet and, as much as I’d like to be, I am no kind of God. I can’t cure everyone.

Amid the inner turmoil and ugliness that came to the surface, after my friend’s death, I even had to ask myself honestly: “At what point does the grieving become about me and not truly about the lost loved one?”

Yet, despite everything life has thrown at me, and trust me, there’s been plenty of it, I understand one thing very clearly. I am still here for a purpose and that purpose goes way beyond any desires I may have for my life. It goes beyond my very existence as I “think” it should be. That goes for everyone else too. We are all here for a purpose far greater than just ourselves. We all need one another. We influence one another in ways we don’t even know. We’re all links in a chain. We hold each other together.

Personally, I don’t feel that life is difficult nor do I feel that it’s easy, but, one thing is certain, it is exactly what we make of it. We choose how to deal with life’s events. We decide how to react. Our thoughts mould our actions and our actions create our life. We choose how much importance, or not, to give to situations and people.

After travelling so much around the world and volunteering in so many countries under some of the saddest circumstances, I strongly believe that to be alive is such a privilege. To be a human being and to be alive is an enormous privilege because we have every opportunity in the world before us. The possibilities are infinite. The only limiting factor is our own imagination. I also feel that in the western world we are privileged beyond belief compared to our brothers and sisters in the orient.

I also know that if I had taken my life when I was tired of fighting, I would never have been able to make a tiny difference in the lives of so many people around the world. If I do nothing else with my life, at least I know what my purpose here is, and honestly speaking, the only thing that still makes me get out of bed in the mornings, and be grateful to still be alive, is knowing that I can make that difference in the life of someone and that I can gift them with a little moment of happiness.

You’re tired of fighting? - Many people would still love to be alive to fight. Every day people are dyeing of something and I bet they wished they could still have another day to fight. Many other people are tired too but they don’t give up. They don’t quit and you are not a quitter. You just need to find your purpose. You need to find that one reason for getting up in the morning and to continue fighting every day.

Life is short enough and no, it might not be easy but you just need to take baby steps - one at a time. Bravely and boldly, and if you fall, so what? The important thing is to keep trying.

Loss and Love

It’s coming up to another end of year and, as per every year, albeit this year a little earlier than usual for some unknown reason, I start to evaluate everything that has happened and everything that, potentially, is yet to come - not only with regards to my life but, also, with regards to my life in respect to everything and everyone around me.

This year, more than usual, there seems to have been a lot of loss around me. Or, maybe the older we get, the more natural it becomes for people to start departing this plain. Many people I have had the pleasure of exchanging views with and walking the path with, for a while now, virtually and otherwise, have passed into the realm of peace. Many others, as I type, are going through some kind of suffering; whether it be illness, inability to survive in a world where money has become an essential part of living, natural disasters or heartbreak.
The point is, everyone on this planet suffers with something.

As a lot of you know, even though I accept death as just another step in our evolutionary process, I have been struggling with my own grief for the last 4 years after the death of someone who was like a baby sister, a daughter and a friend. I grasped at every single memory, wept on every occasion and, even, went as radically far as up rooting; leaving a perfectly good life in Madeira to retreat to Spain. Yet, nothing eased the pain except the slow acceptance of the cycle of life and time even when it seems to be at its cruelest.

The truth is, there is no such thing as a cruel life. Life is what we make it and we end up with what we attract. Every thought produces an action. Every action creates a pattern and every pattern draws us to what we want; whether we truly want it or not. What we invest our energy into is what we will ultimately attract. We, basically, get what we focus on. We create every aspect of our lives and we choose who to have in it.

People argue that they don’t attract bad people, or disasters, into their lives, but they do. Whatever you put our into the world, is what you will get back. If you think negative and behave negatively, you will attract negativity and negative people. If you think positively and behave positively, you will attract goodness and everything that is positive for your life.
The best part about all this is that we choose. Nobody chooses for us.

When we close ourselves off in a dark hole, and trust me, I know because I did it for a year while I was still in Madeira and a another year after I came to Spain, everything around us becomes dark. Maybe through the trauma or the great shock we receive, we become blind to everything and everyone around us because it’s almost as if we’re looking at an invisible brick wall that stands between the sorrow we feel and the happiness that awaits us on the other side. The best bit is that a part of us wants to see over the wall and experience that happiness while another part of us wants to continue to wallow in sorrow.  

I hear you ask why we would wish to wallow in our sorrow and pain when it’s so destructive for us. Well, for one, because it’s easier to become the victim in our own self pity than it is to stand strong and be happy.  Two, whilst we are a victim, people show us loving kindness and attention, and three, most people have a complex of some kind and for some absurd reason, they feel unworthy of love and happiness and, thus, feel guilty at feeling joy at such a sad time. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a conscious feeling but, none the less, it’s there. Let’s not forget, as well, that in a kind of sadistic way, our pain becomes our comfort. It becomes a safe place where we can hide and not have to face the world.

As far as loss goes, of anyone or anything, we need to remember that nothing in life is permanent. Everything is subject to change. Chatting about the cruelty of life and people being snatched away from us, I recently said to a friend on Facebook
that nobody is snatched from anybody. It may feel that way but, in truth, we all have a time to come into this world and a time to leave. It’s the Kalachakra of life (according to Buddhism).  We all come here with a purpose and our purposes may be very different to one another. When we have achieved that purpose, we depart. We carry on with our journey; leaving others to carry on with theirs. What we need to accept is that every single hello must end with a goodbye of some kind because everyone has their own journey to travel, and sadly, we must travel it alone.

Of course, along our path, on this beautiful journey of life, we meet many people. Some stay in our lives for long periods of time and some just walk a short distance with us. We will never forget some people and others, we will forget the minute they're gone. We grieve the loss, but what we should do instead is rejoice the time we shared together, good or bad, rejoice for what we learned, rejoice for the strength a situation gave us, rejoice because we changed our way of thinking, we became a little wiser, a little more patient, a little more flexible or even a little more loving and compassionate. Everyone on our path taught us something. When we look back without the emotions attached to a person or a situation, we find that we grew more with what, apparently, seemed bad than with what apparently seemed like roses and poetry. 

We focus too much on the negative. Instead, we should think about the positive. First and foremost, for me it’s an honour and a blessing that someone else would want to share our journey and walk our path with us, whether it’s for a day, a month, a year or a lifetime. Since we all have the free will to choose to do as we please, some more than others of course, I consider it of the highest honour that another human being chooses to be my friend, my lover, my partner and a life long influence, because even long after that person has chosen to leave my life, the influence remains and the lessons learned never leave me. In this time of virtual friendships, it’s even more of an honour that someone you’e never met would want to be there for you and share in your life. 

At some point during everyone’s life, someone has loved them without being retributed, how lucky is that? Usually when it happens we are not mature enough to appreciate it. Just think how lucky it is to love someone who doesn’t love you back. It shows you are capable of loving without receiving; that you can give without expecting anything in return. Of course, we get too involved in the despair of it all, and the selfishness of expecting them to love us right back, to truly understand what a blessing it is. If only we could harness that love, control it and direct it at every human being on this planet and help them, in some way, without expecting anything in return. What a wonderful world we would create. 

Anyone who has ever been shown love or shown love is truly lucky. Some people will live their entire life without knowing what love, kindness and compassion are. Even when someone treats us badly, rips us off or tries to hurt us, we are lucky. Those people are teaching us to be wise and cautious. They help to improve our sense of understanding of this materialistic world we live in, which helps us to navigate our way through all obstacles we encounter. If we could stop for a moment and see those people as our teachers, we could smile at the whole situation instead of causing grievous bodily harm to ourselves with stress, anger and impotence.

As for losing things, well, the trick is to never be attached to something so much that you can’t live without it. Nothing lasts, and as many disasters have proven to us, it only takes a split second for everything to be reclaimed by mother nature. Nothing is truly ours anyway. As I discovered, first hand, when I had my near death experience, we take nothing with us into the next phase of being; literally nothing. 

Owning possessions has become a way for clever corporations to make you a slave for their ever increasing bank account. Things have become a way to keep people distracted, amused and separated. With more, or less, things, we believe in a so called differential social class. We compete with each other for the bigger, the best and the newest. It’s only because we believe in this social class that it exists, because, believe it or not, we are all the same. No amount of possessions and no fictitious social standing is going to protect anyone from disease, illness or death.

Owning as many possessions as possible has been sold, to us, as a reward system for the hard labour we endure in order to buy things. Marketing campaigns are so psychologically clever that we crave things before they come on the market. We queue for hours to buy, buy, buy. We’ve allowed ourselves to become slaves of things to such a point that we’ve put their importance above that of human lives. In fact, we’ve become immune to the loss of life.

We are slaves to TV; mind-washed by fear and always fighting for something or other; whether it be physically (as in war), emotionally (as in spiritual) or mentally (as in intellectually and politically.) 

I think it’s time we all realise just how much impact we have on one another and I think it’s time we make some conscious decisions about whether that impact is positive or not. I influence you, you influence your friend, your friend influences their friend and before you know it the whole world has been touched by one person. Be responsible in your choices, your thoughts and your actions, please, for all our sakes.

One global love

Life can be rebooted!

It’s been a while! And, well ... life certainly has taken a different turn for me. After 10 years of living on paradise island, working 6 days a week 12 hours a day and squeezing in a million hobbies, I find myself in Spain with no fixed abode, unemployed, unplugged and yet, eerily calm about an unknown future that has yet to unfold because I have yet to write it.

My feet haven’t really touched the ground since I got here and yet, I seem to have found enough quiet, solitary, moments to reflect.

In this new situation I find myself in, it’s become more and more apparent to me that when we have nothing to lose, we can only gain “something.” When there’s nothing left to be taken from us, we can only make new acquisitions and create new situations. When there’s nothing left to destroy we can only create something new. Yet, in reality, aside from death or theft, nothing is really ever taken from us. We choose to give things up. We choose to walk away from people, places, jobs; even our lives.

Maybe it’s a mid-life crisis, maybe it’s a fantasy or a calling but I walked away from my life (as I knew it) in search of something. Nobody forced me to. Life didn’t make me do it. Life didn’t give me a set of ultimatums. All I had before me was a set of choices. We all have them, and some are more painful than others to make because of what we leave behind. None the less, they are still our choices. For better or for worse, we need to take responsibility for our choices and stand by them.

Everything in life is a risk and if we don’t take risks, we will never know the outcome. We’ll be forever wondering: “What if ...” I would hope that each one of us knows exactly what we have, but we’ll never know what awaits us unless we’re willing to take a blind leap of faith into the unknown.

When we have nothing and manage to put our fears aside, we potentially stand to gain everything. All it takes is a strong sense of belief, persistence, perseverance, hard work and a healthy dose of optimism and faith. It also helps to have kind souls in your life who lift your spirit, look after you physically, mentally and emotionally, and make you feel loved. That, in my humble opinion, is the true essence of life; being with others and sharing with others.

I know there are some people out there who may think they have no-one, but the truth is we are NEVER alone. Solitude is a state we create. If we don’t see anyone around us, it’s because we’re not looking closely enough. It’s not the world’s fault. It’s not the circumstances we find ourselves in. We choose to wear blinkers and, until we remove them, we will never be able to open ourselves up to the world around us.

When we get down to the nitty, gritty of it life really is very simple and we can live very well with the simplest of things; food, shelter and good company. We over-complicate life because we’re constantly chasing something or other. We expend so much time and energy chasing the next big dream, the next big pay check, the next exotic dream trip, we fail to stop and really appreciate the simplicity of life.

I’ve always said that the older we get, the harder it is to break out of our comfort zone and be challenged by something new because we emotionally allow our fears to cloud our vision of potentials and possibilities.

With my move, I’ve proved to myself, that even at the age of almost 44, it’s possible to just walk away from everything and start a new life. How this life will turn out is a matter of time and my willingness to dedicate myself to it. I realise that if I was married and had children, it might not be so easy to change life, but I also believe that a family, like good friends, should be a compliment and not a burden. Hence, a change of life might be a little more difficult but certainly not impossible.

Life really is what we make it; simple or complex, it’s all our own doing.

Now, more than ever, I am consciously aware of how life is like a blank computer screen. We choose what to write, how to write it and when to write it. We can even choose not to write anything at all or we can just write a few lines of nonsense. Yet, in the simplicity of choosing between writing or not writing, with computers, we find ourselves confronted with the dilemmas of which of the million fonts to use, what size the font should be, what colour to write in, how many words we should write, what to write about, how to express our thoughts and the list goes on - and this is before we’ve even started typing.

In this nothingness that my life has, temporarily, become it’s very clear to me how the only time I hold myself back and stop myself from making a move forward is when I look back at “what was” instead of “being here now” and plainly accepting “what is.”

I, like anyone of you out there, am limited only by my memories, my imagination, my creativity, my motivation, determination, my perseverance and my lack of enthusiasm for doing anything. Every new day, and its outcome, is my own doing. My procrastination, my advancement, my whole life and its direction revolve around how much I am prepared to put into it, what I choose to do, how I choose to go about it and how focused I am.

Life is a bit like a computer ... you really can reboot at any moment in time.

The New Personal Development Kaleidoscope E-book

The New Personal Development Kaleidoscope E-book

It’s finally here and it’s a must read!

The E-book I contributed towards and co-edited has finally been released, and is now available on the Internet.

Who am I? (Part 1)

Who am I? – It’s such a simple question.

Yet, most people have great difficulty answering it.

Most people reply to the question who am I? with the labels they have acquired throughout their lifetime.

They primarily identify themselves with the roles they play in relationship to others. They use definitions like: I’m a father. I’m a sister. I’m a mother. I’m John’s friend, I’m an uncle. I’m a wife.

They define themselves in accordance with the role they play in society; i.e. the job or vocation they have; I’m a writer. I’m a barman. I’m a secretary. I’m a fireman.

They describe their current status with phrases like: I’m unemployed. I have a job. I’m a student. I’m a stay at home mum. I’m a struggling artist. I’m successful, I’m poor and so on. They adhere to a cultural group by saying: I’m Italian, I’m British, I’m Arabic, I’m German, I’m Chinese and so on.

They may even go on to explain their environmental backgrounds by saying: I live in London. I live in Paris. I lived in the United States when I was younger. I spent a lot of time in the Middle East. I have travelled to Egypt and Cyprus or wherever. They define what religious or spiritual sect they belong to by saying I’m a Catholic, I’m Jewish, I’m a Muslim, I’m a Buddhist, I’m a spiritualist.

By listing items such as those mentioned above, people are consciously or subconsciously recognising how important these factors are in describing who they are. Yet, they are nothing more than labels.

Aside from these labels, people also use descriptive qualities to define themselves. They list characteristics of their personality like: I’m a happy person. I have a nervous disposition. I’m not assertive enough. I’m introvert. I’m extrovert. I’m very patient. They list physiological aspects of themselves such as: I’m unattractive. I’m overweight. I’m pretty. I’m tall. I’m short. I have long hair. I have green eyes.

They list their behavioural qualities like: I’m organised, I’m unorganised, I’m untidy and so on. They may even add what pleases them like: I enjoy walking. I collect stamps. I go to the beach every weekend. I like the sea. Similarly, they may express what displeases them like I hate the cold. I never go to the beach. I don’t like queuing.

Whatever descriptions and labels are used, they only define a person according to their beliefs about who they think they are.

These beliefs are based on years of accumulated experiences and learning, environmental and societal influences. They come from an accepted understanding of the individuals’ capabilities, limitations, likes and dislikes.

Yet, most of the time, these beliefs are the product of how we think we are or how we think others see us.


(Extracted from: The Power to Heal is Yours - Be your best friend, not your worst enemy - A Practical Guide to Self-Transformation by Venerina Conti)
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Self Sabotage

On Thursday 6th December, Host Coach Steve Toth and myself Co-Host Dr Venerina Conti, of the Mind, Body and Soul show on the Real Coaching Radio Network, discussed the topic of self sabotage.

What is self sabotage? How does it hold us back? How does it make us our own worst enemy?

Self sabotage happens when we impede ourselves from doing something that we would like to do, or ought to be doing, by letting everything around us get in the way. For example, if we dream of becoming a great painter, so we could establish ourselves in the Artists’ world and maybe have our own exhibitions, painting something every day would help us to improve our skills.

However, if we allowed everything else to get in the way like: being too tired, not having enough time or whatever excuse we choose to use, then we are acting in a way that sabotages our hopes, wishes and dreams, which eventually we will give up on. We have nobody to blame but ourselves. Time does not just occur. Time needs to be created.

We have willingly diverted our attention and focus away from what is important to us. We have made up excuses and found every reason not to be doing what we would like to be doing. But are there underlying reasons for this behaviour? Does self-sabotage go deeper than we imagine? Where exactly is it rooted?

Self-sabotage starts with internal dialogues. Think about this. We are the one person we talk to all day long, ever day, and we are the one and only person we will know all our lives, so why then do we choose to talk to ourselves in such a negative way? Why do we convince ourselves that we are not good enough? Why do we talk ourselves into states of insecurity and destroy our own self-confidence.

If your best friend came to you and asked for your advice, you would show them support and offer them encouragement. So why is it so hard to be your own best friend? Are you not the most important person in your life? If you are not, then you should be because if you are not feeling well and are not capable of taking good care of yourself, then how can you possibly make others feel good or even look after them?

So, how do you talk to yourself all day long? Think about what words you choose to use in your internal dialogues? How do you transmit your being to the world around you?

Rather than focusing on the negative, think about all the good qualities you have. Feel grateful for all the good things you have achieved. Doing a little is better than doing nothing. If you doing something then you can never fail. Be realistic when you set yourself goals. Take one step at a time and do not expect to conquer Rome in one day. Disappointment and self sabotage also come from expecting too much of one’s self.

Keep a journal, (for your eyes only), where you can write everything down. Show gratitude for what you have. Clearly express in writing what you would like to have and achieve.

Learn to appreciate yourself. How? … Listen in to the exercise Coach Steve Toth and Drª Venerina Conti did, live on air. It takes one minute to change how you feel about yourself and who you will become in the future. Tune into the Mind, Body and Soul Show every Thursday at 8am MST, 3pm GMT.

Live Show - Mind, Body and Soul

Well Ladies and Gentleman, Real Coaching Radio is proud to announce that the first Trans-Atlantic, International Show- Mind, Body & Soul, was broadcast today , Thursday 13th September at 3pm GMT.

Despite initial technical hiccups, which we apologise for but they were totally beyond our control, the show ran smoothly and has already received tremendous positive feedback globally.

Host Coach Steve and myself, Co-Host Venerina, started off by introducing ourselves to our listeners so they could learn a little bit more about us.

We then went on to give the listeners an insight into how the Law of Attraction or the Secret really work with a practical example of how Coach Steve and I met. We talked about how circumstances brought us together, not through just putting out thoughts in to the Universe and waiting for something to happen but by practical input, strategic moving on our behalf and most of all our connection to others.

Thinking and wanting something, alone, is not enough to, actually, achieve it. Although positive mental attitude is a necessity for facing adversities in a productive way. It alone is not enough either. Some sort of action is needed on our behalf.

We somehow need to set the wheels in motion to get the ball rolling. Now that can be anything from talking to someone else, letting others know what your goals, desires and dreams are. It may be taking the small, initial, steps that will drive you a little closer to your desired goal. It may be just connecting with others.

One thing I have learnt, for sure, in life is that you can never know enough people. Remember that people know people who in turn know other people and sometimes, in fact more often than not, it is not what you know but who know.

The questions we addressed that we are attempting to get our listeners to think about are: “Do you tend to your soul enough”?, “Just how positive are you”?, “What do you value the most in life”?, “Are you following a path with heart”?

Most of all: “What happens when you have achieved everything there is to achieve”?, or as Steve put it: “What’s next”?

If you have any answers for us or if you would like to share your experiences with us, we would dearly love to hear from you.

So please, leave your comments, call the show or come and chat with us. We will be live every Thursday afternoon between 3 and 4pm GMT on Real Coaching Radio.

Instructions for Real Coaching Radio European Listeners

The following information is for our European listeners:

We would like to inform you that it has been brought to our attention that the numbers listed for calling into the radio broadcast are blocked to European listeners. Therefore, we would ask you kindly to take a few different steps that will enable you to interact with us during the live broadcast. All you have to do is go to: NowLive and create a free account. Once you have signed up you need to click on edit profile. If you scroll down, on the left hand side, you will find a box labelled cell # … In the space provided, you need to add a 10 digit US style telephone number. It does not matter that the number is fake.

Next, you will need to download and create an account with the Gizmo project. Click on Gizmo Banner below to go directly to the page:

Finally, you need to go back to the nowlive.com front page when Real Coaching Radio is live. Click on the Real Coaching Radio link which can be found in the “On the air” section. That will take you straight through to our broadcasting studio. Congratulations if you got this far you can now chat with us!!! Ok, if you would like to take it one step further, click on the “Call the show” button. You will notice that on the bottom right hand side a box will appear with call in options. Click on the link that says “Call using Google Talk”. When the page loads, you will see on the right hand side the gizmo project number to call the show from. Copy and paste this number in your Gizmo Project call box and don’t forget to click on the green telephone icon so that it actually dials the number!!!

Once your call is answered by NowLive.com, you will hear a set of options. Once prompted to do so, using your dial pad, click on # 2. You will then be asked to enter the six digit show ID, which in our case is: 226305. After you have entered the show ID, you need to click on # 1.

Guess what? …. You should now be live with us in the studio. All we ask now is that you talk to us!!! We can’t wait to meet you!!!

News Flash

New International Radio Show Starts on September 13, 2007

8:00 AM MST, 3pm - 4pm GMT,

Mind, Body & Soul

Holistic Psychologist & Freelance writer, Venerina Conti, the creator of VC Designs Ltd, has teamed up with dear friend Coach Steve Toth, of Real Coaching Radio, to collaborate on a European Broadcast show Mind, Body & Soul, which will be a journey of discovery into the realms of what it means to be an integrated and whole human being in today’s society.

Mind, Body & Soul will broadcast live across the Internet every Thursday afternoon between 3pm – 4pm GMT, for our European friends and 8am -9am MST time for our US friends. Of course, those of you who are not early birds can still listen to the show outside live broadcasting hours as the show will be recorded, archived and available on the Internet 24/7.

You don’t need to download anything special to listen in. It’s as easy as clicking on the logo above, opening the webpage and then clicking on the play button. You don’t need to have any fancy tools to chat with us. If you really wish to, you can sign up free with http://www.nowlive.com/ and be a direct part of the action.

Also, drop by and introduce yourself and or comment on our show in the Real Coaching Moment Blog. Venerina and I will look forward to meeting you.

We will attempt to demystify the realms of Mind, Body & Soul to bring you a more holistic and balanced way of living healthier in all realms of the psyche, the spirit and the body. A healthy spirit is a healthy mind and a healthy mind is a healthy body. When all parts function in harmony life can exceed all your expectations. Only then, can you become who you always wanted to be.

Have you ever had Extraordinary Human Experience? Have you ever had a near death experience which has profoundly changed your life? Are you intuitively more aware than the average person you know? Do you know that we all have the same potentials?

Did “The Secret” leave you wanting? We will tell you why? We will reveal the truth behind the “Law of Attraction”.

Step on board and fasten your seatbelt for a ride of a lifetime.

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