Breakups?

Another question is ... two people want to mutually end a relationship but one person ends it before the other; causing immense pain and heartbreak ... how do you deal with it and what advice can you give in 10 stages? ... wow ... putting me through my paces today ... I'm no relationship expert but ...here's my reply:

If both parties wanted to mutually end the relationship that tells us something has been wrong for quite some time. Under normal circumstances (whatever they may be) if the people involved are rationally sound, they wouldn’t decide to end a relationship just for the sake of it nor out of the blue nor on a whim.

The fact that they both wanted to end the relationship also tells us that both parties felt incompatible with each other for whatever reasons. They shared a common feeling that things weren’t working between them and that neither party was happy. In that knowledge, one would assume that their rational mind knows the best thing for them to do is separate.

So, although I appreciate the fact that every break up has its consequences, if a person, who wants to break up from their partner, feels distressed and heartbroken over “being dumped first” rather than being the one “doing the dumping” it’s not a mourning for the relationship as much as it is a matter of pride and ego being hurt.

So, maybe steps 1, 2 and 3 should be:

1) An analysis the relationship to create a realisation, and eventual awareness/acceptance of what was wrong and why there was a mutual desire to end it.

Awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance are tools for empowerment.

2) Create an understanding that we’re not going to be compatible with all the people we encounter in life. Many people come into our lives for a specific reason at a specific moment in time when we need them or when they need to teach us something. Or, perhaps, they appear when they need us to teach them something. People come and go from our lives, very few stay for a long duration.
Incompatibility doesn’t mean unworthy, unlovable or undesirable. This should be reinforced in the wounded party.

3) Getting the injured party to admit that the breakup is, in fact, mutually beneficial. There is no “dumping” and “being dumped”.Looking at the relationship realistically, if they both wanted to end it but neither one had taken the dreaded initiative to do so, who knows how long the suffering and pretense would have carried on for. They would have ended up making each others‘ lives a misery. So, ending it was a positive thing.

Steps 4 through to 10 should be about:

- Taking time to learn to be with one’s self and love one’s own self. It’s a new chapter in a new phase of life. It can be written any which way even if that means reinventing one’s self. This is a phase for reflection and introspection. Spending quality time with friends and family.

Having a life re-assessment. Creating new happiness within one’s self.After all, we cannot rely on others to create our happiness nor should we enter a relationship with the idea that someone else is going to make us happy. That’s a lot of responsibility to hand over to someone else. When they fail to live up to our expectations, we feel they’ve failed us. We feel let down and hurt and, eventually, we repeat the same mistakes again and again.

If we’re already happy when we meet someone, their presence in our life will be complimentary to it and not a necessity.

Finding new hobbies/interests, join clubs and find passions in life that are both enjoyable and lead to meeting new people.

Eventually finding the positive lessons learned from the broken relationship, forgiving the wrong and letting go.

Travelling, broadening horizons and doing all the things you feel you can’t do when you’re in a relationship.

Meeting someone new and moving on. Everything in life has a certain amount of risk but never taking a risk means never discovering new opportunites and life really is too short to shut all doors.

Of course, Rome wasn't built in a day. Nor would anyone work through these stages in 5 minutes. Everyone progresses at their own pace in life and just as well. It would be boring if we were all the same.

One global love

Love ...

Just lately I have read and heard so many negative and positive things about love, it reminded me of an article I wrote many years ago.

In the article, I described love as an abstract concept; something intangible - an emotion or a feeling we experience deep within our inner being. Yet, something we cannot physically touch; an idealistic state we all wish for - someone to love us.

We may experience emotional, chemical, psychological and physical symptoms as a consequence of the feeling of love like a racing heart, sweaty palms, desire, lust, a lack of hunger or sleepless nights. Yet, we cannot see or touch our emotions with our physical senses.

In that article, I said that most people everywhere aspired to it. Men, (and women), killed in its name. I said that we all daydreamed about it at some point; that children give it freely, whilst adults are cautious who they give it to.

I also said that some may delude themselves that they are feeling it or experiencing it, and that sadly some may never experience it at all in their life.

I mentioned that uttering this very simple four letter word “love” has the ability to make one person ecstatically happy, while making another person completely despair.

By saying “I love you” to someone, it’s possible to mend a broken relationship, it’s possible to heal wounds and break barriers between people. Love can also quite simply make right a whole load of wrongs.

In my article though I questioned whether love per se was enough nowadays, or whether our society has become so materialistic that many marriages are based more on interest than love. Or, whether there is so little love in the world, as we grow further and further apart as human beings, that many marry because they don’t want to be alone.

I questioned whether there would be fewer divorces in the world if there were more love.

I asked if the word “love” nowadays has just become a convenience; if the romanticised concept of love has become just another misconstrued reality based on false literary and media reality, or just another expression too quickly and falsely used for gaining physical pleasure with the opposite sex.

Whichever the case, I do not see that as love. It’s the illusion of love.

I’m no expert in love but I do know that unconditional love is when you never walk away; despite the odds. It’s never losing that faith and respect. It’s the strength to walk away from someone when they tell you to leave them alone and get on with their life. It’s knowing you would give your life to save the life of someone you love. It’s knowing you would give up your entire world if you had to. Even though, in love nobody makes demands and nothing is ever asked. Everything is freely given as a gift between people.

It’s knowing that if you ever deliberately harmed another it would hurt you more. It’s getting on a plane and travelling half way around the world just to hold someone or be there for someone just because you know they need you.

I feel there are many ways to love the different people in our lives, our families, our friends, our colleagues, but there is only one kind of love: the unconditional and eternal kind.

There is no I or ego in love. There is only love itself. It is what drives people to help others; showing kindness, love and compassion to perfect strangers.

No one person ever loves the same as another and no one individual ever experiences love the same as another, but sharing love brings people closer together.

Where love begins nobody knows. It’s a question philosophers and romanticists have been debating since the beginning of time. Where it will end nobody knows.

If you believe that death is only the end of the physical, and that love touches the very essence of who we are, then you must believe that love does not die. If we plant the seeds of love well during our life, they will continue to grow fruits until the hereafter and beyond... perhaps that is what makes love eternal.