Today, I got a message from a person I consider to be very beautiful, smart, funny and one of life’s great survivors; telling me they wanted to end their life. Whether it was a genuine threat, or a cry for help, I don’t know... but I’m very hardcore when it comes to issues like this. I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic or cold, because I’m not. I know the person in question will read this.
I understand depression. I understand wanting to end it all and take an exit card. I’ve been there. I’ve been to the darkest corners of me and the bottom of the pit more times than I care to remember.
The latest being, and those who know the story, will know that I wanted to give my life to save that of a person who was the world to me; a sister and a friend. I would pray every day, to whoever was listening, that she recovered and that I should get sick in her place, but it doesn’t work like that.
When she died, at the age of 33, a part of me died too. I lost interest in every aspect of living. I was a walking dead person. I quit my life, stopped singing, stopped practicing natural medicine, moved country and started over again from nothing. Yet, nothing helped. Five years on, it is still the hardest thing I’m having to deal with. It was especially painful for me because I did die after I fell 200 meters off a mountain. To this day, nobody knows how I came back to life. There is no rhyme or reason of why I survived.
Life seemed very unfair that a mother of two beautiful girls should be taken from this world, when me, a single young woman should still be alive. I even blamed myself for her passing, because for all that I’m a trained healer and for all the successful healing I’ve administered to other people, I couldn’t save the one person I desperately wanted to. She turned to me and I let her down. I failed her.
Life seemed very unfair that a mother of two beautiful girls should be taken from this world, when me, a single young woman should still be alive. I even blamed myself for her passing, because for all that I’m a trained healer and for all the successful healing I’ve administered to other people, I couldn’t save the one person I desperately wanted to. She turned to me and I let her down. I failed her.
After she died, I went through all the phases of sadness, numbness, anger, resentment, self hatred, self pity, tiredness and so much more. Yet, the truth, as horrible as it is to accept, is that I couldn’t save her. We are all given a certain amount of time on this planet and, as much as I’d like to be, I am no kind of God. I can’t cure everyone.
Amid the inner turmoil and ugliness that came to the surface, after my friend’s death, I even had to ask myself honestly: “At what point does the grieving become about me and not truly about the lost loved one?”
Yet, despite everything life has thrown at me, and trust me, there’s been plenty of it, I understand one thing very clearly. I am still here for a purpose and that purpose goes way beyond any desires I may have for my life. It goes beyond my very existence as I “think” it should be. That goes for everyone else too. We are all here for a purpose far greater than just ourselves. We all need one another. We influence one another in ways we don’t even know. We’re all links in a chain. We hold each other together.
Personally, I don’t feel that life is difficult nor do I feel that it’s easy, but, one thing is certain, it is exactly what we make of it. We choose how to deal with life’s events. We decide how to react. Our thoughts mould our actions and our actions create our life. We choose how much importance, or not, to give to situations and people.
After travelling so much around the world and volunteering in so many countries under some of the saddest circumstances, I strongly believe that to be alive is such a privilege. To be a human being and to be alive is an enormous privilege because we have every opportunity in the world before us. The possibilities are infinite. The only limiting factor is our own imagination. I also feel that in the western world we are privileged beyond belief compared to our brothers and sisters in the orient.
I also know that if I had taken my life when I was tired of fighting, I would never have been able to make a tiny difference in the lives of so many people around the world. If I do nothing else with my life, at least I know what my purpose here is, and honestly speaking, the only thing that still makes me get out of bed in the mornings, and be grateful to still be alive, is knowing that I can make that difference in the life of someone and that I can gift them with a little moment of happiness.
You’re tired of fighting? - Many people would still love to be alive to fight. Every day people are dyeing of something and I bet they wished they could still have another day to fight. Many other people are tired too but they don’t give up. They don’t quit and you are not a quitter. You just need to find your purpose. You need to find that one reason for getting up in the morning and to continue fighting every day.
After travelling so much around the world and volunteering in so many countries under some of the saddest circumstances, I strongly believe that to be alive is such a privilege. To be a human being and to be alive is an enormous privilege because we have every opportunity in the world before us. The possibilities are infinite. The only limiting factor is our own imagination. I also feel that in the western world we are privileged beyond belief compared to our brothers and sisters in the orient.
I also know that if I had taken my life when I was tired of fighting, I would never have been able to make a tiny difference in the lives of so many people around the world. If I do nothing else with my life, at least I know what my purpose here is, and honestly speaking, the only thing that still makes me get out of bed in the mornings, and be grateful to still be alive, is knowing that I can make that difference in the life of someone and that I can gift them with a little moment of happiness.
You’re tired of fighting? - Many people would still love to be alive to fight. Every day people are dyeing of something and I bet they wished they could still have another day to fight. Many other people are tired too but they don’t give up. They don’t quit and you are not a quitter. You just need to find your purpose. You need to find that one reason for getting up in the morning and to continue fighting every day.
Life is short enough and no, it might not be easy but you just need to take baby steps - one at a time. Bravely and boldly, and if you fall, so what? The important thing is to keep trying.
