Friday, 13 November 2009

Where have all the good men gone?

I’ll see you in 6 months were the last parting words we said as we looked into each other’s eyes one last time; before we kissed and went our own separate ways at Dubai airport. I watched him as he walked off towards the boarding gate that took him back to Australia before I made my way back to the UK. It was the year 2000 and the last time I had a real relationship with anyone.

It was the first time since 1998, when I split up with my ex partner, that I’d brought myself to trust a man. My previous relationship had been on the rocks for some years. My ex partner and work colleague had slowly been on a downslide path to alcoholism and well, any woman who’s walked alongside someone on that track knows just what it entails; the fights, the anguish, the heartache and the violent streaks; not to mention the emotional and psychological blackmail.

My tall, dark, handsome, mysterious Australian beauty (as I use to call him) called me everyday while I was in the UK. He said he was coming. He never made it. His business took him everywhere around the globe except the UK. I got sent to China. He said he was coming there. He did make it there but only after I left. In fact, he made it to the UK after I left. His business had a way of keeping us apart all the time. I finally moved to Madeira. He told me to wait here. He told me he was coming. So, I did and I’m still here but then, the unthinkable happened. His business folded. He went bankrupt and stopped calling.

After waiting patiently for 3 years, then despairing, and then finally giving up, I met someone online who was such a great friend and such great company to be around. It seems though that I was only to be a friend in times of need; when disaster struck or when nothing better was going on. We’re still friends. I met an Italian Guy with whom I am still friends. I briefly dated a Tunisian guy who ended up spitting in my face and hitting me so hard I heard my back crack; and all because I asked him to hold me.

Then, I met another beautiful man online who captured my heart. After some time, we proposed to take things into the real world. He decided to come here and spend some time in my world. I made the decision to go and spend some time in his world and we agreed that if things worked out then we would take it that one step further and make a commitment to each other. Ten days, or so, before he was due to fly out here he went back to an ex girlfriend. That was Christmas 2006.

In the meantime, my Australian friend and I are back in touch but the trust I had in him has gone. He asked me to move to Australia but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. How could I trust a man who didn’t trust me to still love him when he went bankrupt? To my way of thinking, you don’t love someone because they have money. Many may, but that’s not what I’m about and I felt that he should have known that. Maybe I expected too much of him.

So, it’s now 2009. Somewhere between 2007 and now, I fell in love with another beautiful man who, coincidentally, I never even dated. Another “case closed” before it even started.

It’s very rare in this day and age, for me personally, to be able to say that I would trust my life in the hands of someone. Yet, it seems the very few that I would have trusted it with always end up breaking that trust in some way. I have to ask: “Do I have standards that are too high?” or “Is it because men just aren’t what they use to be?”

I have tonnes of male friends. In fact, I probably have more male friends than girl friends but no one special man in my life. I’ve put my personal life on hold since the year 2000. It’s been mine choice entirely and I don’t regret it, nor do I feel sorry for myself. I’ve dedicated my life to helping others since then and reaped rewards that no one man could have ever given me.

However, I’ve now decided to make that change in my personal life, and on the suggestion of an “eccentric” but adorable American personal coach friend of mine, I’m launching a worldwide campaign to find my one special man. I was told there are 6 million people out there, so it’s a question of trial and error. So, I’m going to try. They say: “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”

For once, I’m taking my own advice; picking up the pieces and moving on. My grandmother use to say to me that if someone wants you, they’ll find you. I don’t think that’s true anymore. Times have changed. We live in a different world and different times. It seems that if we want something, sitting in the sidelines; waiting and hoping for the good ones to notice just isn’t enough anymore.

So, where are all the good men?

I’m a simple woman really – although I can be a minefield of complexity in my sometimes irrational but logical thinking. You just have to get to know me.

It’s the little things make me happy - your smile that lets me know you’re happy to see me. A please and thank you, a good morning and good night; a kind gesture, a thoughtful act, a walk in the park or through the forest. I don’t need you to buy me flowers but I do need some sign of appreciation every now and then. I don’t need gifts but I do need hugs to remind me that you care.

I don’t need you to call me or text me or email me every 5 minutes but a hello once a day would be nice to let me know you think about me because I’ll be thinking about you. I don’t need to see you every day, but it would be nice if you surprised me by showing up on my doorstep for a cup of tea once in a while.

I am a Buddhist, so please don’t try and convert me. Don’t be jealous of my friends. If you are that special man in my life, there will be only you for me. I will be faithful and you will always have my loyalty. However, please try and understand that you are only one person compared to the thousands I promised to help. So, please give me space to help them or help me to help them.

One last thing, I may run away from you but I won’t run after you. So if you know in your heart of hearts that you’re afraid to love whole heartedly it’ll never work. As a friend of mine once said about me; when I give, it’s 150%. So, think carefully before you contact me.

My heart’s been broken too many times. I’ve been disappointed and let down too many times. You don’t have to be perfect; just perfect in my eyes. I believe that if something is worth having, then it’s worth going all out for. Do you? Then show me! Actions speak louder than words.

By Venerina Conti (

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1 comment:

Unknown said...

wow! What a story.
Remember you still have friends who love and know you.

WE have to meet up next year again.

meanwhile .. Take care dear freind.

Loads of love nd hugs.
Jean xxx