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Tuesday 5 August 2008
Wednesday 30 January 2008
Psychology of Reincarnation and Past Life Memories
In Eastern philosophy, reincarnation is a concept as old as time. According to spiritual/religious beliefs such as Hinduism, Buddhism and Taoism, the soul returns to the physical plane over many lifetimes. It is a necessary part of learning the ancient wisdom and making old wrongs right.
In Western culture, Edgar Cayce was one of the first people to introduce this concept back in the 1950s. Throughout several of his readings, he says that the main purpose of the soul is to learn and grow. Thus doing, it earns its rightful place next to Creator.
Much research has and is being carried out globally to find evidence for and against reincarnation. Popular culture is flooded with books that debate both the believers’ and the sceptics’ points of view. Believers rely on their faith and trust their intuition. Sceptics demand tangible scientific proof.
Regardless of opinion, though, some questions receive little attention. For example: What, if anything, is there to be gained by having memories from previous lives? How can these memories affect a current life and the people in it? What are the psychological repercussions of remembering being someone else in another place and time?
Whether we choose to believe or not, there is a group of people for whom memories of past lives are very real. They are known as the Druze (or Druse); followers of the spiritual faith of El-Mowahideen El-Druze. There is speculation that the Druse faith originated in
According to the Druze organisation there are almost one million followers worldwide. Many live in
Although the basic religious beliefs of the Druze find their origins in Islam, their faith is very different. In fact, these differences have been the cause of religious wars in regions such as the
The Druze believe their spiritual leader, El-Mowahideen El-Druze, was the reincarnation of God. They also believe strongly in the efforts of man and his actions. Their core philosophy is that a soul will return to earth many lifetimes in order to grow. They believe it has done so since the beginning of time and it will carry on doing so until the end of time. It is no wonder that most reported cases of reincarnation are Druze.
During his (almost) 40 year career, investigating reincarnation, Dr Ian Stevenson travelled throughout
Over twenty cases from his 1998 trip to
The first person to bring public awareness to the effects of past lives, on the current life psyche, was Dr. Brian Weiss. In 1988 he published: Many Lives, Many Masters, which spoke of his patient Catherine. She comes to him because she is seeking a cure for her fears of water and choking, dieing and airplanes.
Initially, he believes these fears come from somewhere in Catherine’s childhood. So, they both agree that hypnotherapy (or hypnotic regression) is the best method for her to remember.
During regressive hypnotherapy a person is guided into a deep state of relaxation and/or trance by way of hypnosis. In theory by entering this state, the conscious mind, which is responsible for processing information, can be by-passed. Thus, the sub-conscious mind can be accessed. This is the part of our mind where information is stored that we are not fully aware of; including memories. Sometimes, we choose to block them out because they are too painful. Dealing with them openly could cause trauma and great amounts of discomfort. So, this process is really a mechanism for our own self-defence.
The general idea behind hypnotherapy is to bring painful events from the past into awareness. Thus, a person becomes free to face them, deal with them and let go of them. Inner healing begins by acknowledging a problem and finding the root of its cause.
Catherine undergoes several hypnotherapy sessions with Dr. Weiss. He tries to get her to remember anything from her childhood that may shed light on her fears. Nothing comes to the surface. They are no further forward. Then one day, Weiss gives her a different type of hypnotic suggestion. He asks her to remember the first ever memory that she feels is the cause. Thus, Catherine starts to talk about her previous lives.
As the memories unfold, Weiss discovers that her fear of water comes from drowning in another life. Her fear of airplanes comes from being a male soldier in the Second World War. Over a period of time, he finds that every current fear of hers is rooted in an event from a former lifetime.
They begin to see progress. The more hypnotherapy sessions she has, the more Catherine begins to let go of her fears. One by one they disappear completely from her current state of being. However, she becomes a little disturbed by the fact that she is talking about past lives. Reincarnation is not a word that is in her vocabulary since it challenges her beliefs. Dr. Weiss has to convince her, a great deal, to continue the sessions.
As far as I am aware, there is no follow-up research available to say how Catherine’s psyche was affected by her experience. Her fears were cured but has her life changed as a result? Has she suffered any form of identity crisis? Has she replaced one psychological challenge with another? These are all questions that remain unanswered.
What about other people who remember past lives? Is everyone affected the same way? Not according to Stevenson’s Druze cases presented by Shroder. In fact, there is a mixture of reactions. Each individual deals with their experience in a different way. Some live as if they have lost everything and never quite recover. Some are indifferent to their past life and some gain more than they had before.
The latter is the case with Daniel. As a child, he remembered being in a fatal car accident when he lived as a young man called Rashid. At a very early age, he started speaking of this unfortunate event.
He remembered names, faces, his previous mother, his family members and so on. He accused his current mother of not being his mother; his family of not being his real family. He would insist on being taken back to his family.
Even if reincarnation is part of everyday life for the Druze, the child’s frustration and the family’s hurt is obvious. A mother is always a mother. It is natural that she would be hurt when her own flesh and blood rejects her.
In Western society such claims would be dismissed and the child considered hurtful or a little strange. This was the case with an acquaintance of Shroder in the
His mother says that, as a child, Daniel didn’t like getting in the car. Also, that he would scream and cry every time they drove past the scene of the accident.
As a man, Daniel tells us that he likes cars but he still has a fear of fast driving. He, also, still has a fear of the place where the accident happened. Thus, it is apparent that simply talking about traumas, from past lives, is not enough to make fears disappear. At least not in every case as Weiss would have us believe.
With Daniel, nothing begins to heal the situation until his family meet Rashid’s. From that point on life improves for all the people involved. Both families find support and friendship in one another. Everyone is happy especially Rashid’s parents. Their grief is eased because they have a part of their son back. Daniel finds himself with two support systems he can turn to. He has two families that love him very much. He has his friends from the past and his friends from the present.
In the next two cases, presented here, about Suzanne and Itidal, things are quite the opposite. The one thing they all share in common is the conviction of who they were before. For better or for worse, the feelings and emotions of their past lives are very real to them.
It is not a question of having a vague memory of being someone else. Nor is it about having residual fears that come from somewhere unknown as with Catherine. It is about being born as the same person in a different body, a different environment and in a different family.
Psychiatrist Jim Tucker, among many, explains this as a transfer of one person’s personality into another. However, nobody knows exactly what a personality is. Just as nobody knows what a soul is. Thus, it is not possible to explain how either one can go from one body to another.
As a child, Suzanne always said she was Hanan, wife of Farouk and mother of three. Like Daniel, she accuses her parents of not being her real parents. She keeps saying she needs to be with her husband and children. As young as six months of age, she tried phoning Hanan’s daughter Leila. It was later discovered that she had one digit wrong in the number.
When she meets with her previous family, she is still very much in love with her husband. She speaks to her daughters as a mother would even though she is a child herself. When she discovers her husband has remarried, her emotions and feelings become those of a jealous woman. Growing up, these feelings do not change nor do they disappear.
There is distress all round. Hanan’s daughters refuse to speak to her anymore because they cannot accept the return of their mother in a little girl. Her husband breaks all ties with Suzanne because of feelings of pain and, to an extent, guilt. Suzanne’s life is not moving forward because she is living in Hanan’s past. Even now, as a young woman, she cries for her daughters and her husband. Having everything, losing it all, re-finding it and not being able to have it (or be close to it) has grave psychological effects.
In contrast to Daniel, all Suzanne has gained from her experience is a life of sadness. Her family worry about her welfare. Aside from supporting her, there is little more anyone can do to help her through it.
Another point worth noting is, at six months, Suzanne/Hanan clearly shows no concept of her physical and psychological age. Her behaviour is similar to a conscious adult held back by the limiting abilities of her physical age.
This is not the first case where this appears. Another infant called Joseph insisted his mother buy him size 8 shoes. She tells him they will be too big but he refuses to believe it until he tries them on. In another case, Robert can speak and string whole sentences together by the age of 6 months.
These factors challenge conventional psychological thinking. Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud was the first to propose that infants, as young as six months, are only capable of satisfying their biological needs. They have no consciousness comparable to adults, who develop a personality while growing up.
Carl Jung proposed that infants are born with instinctual patterns of behaviour and perception, which come from a collective unconscious. Thus, a baby instinctively knows how to get attention, when and how to cry for food etc. because we all have it in us.
Jean Piaget proposed that infants only begin to put together purposeful actions by the age of 2 years. Up until that time, he believes they only understand the world through their perception of it. They learn by way of trial and error of their actions.
These children are clearly outside what is considered a normal child development model. Unfortunately, I could not find any model for them or any further psychological research about their development. Future investigation in this area would prove to be beneficial. Not just for the children who claim to be reincarnated. It would help us come closer to understanding why some children develop quicker than others. Another unanswered question is: Could undetected cases of reincarnation be responsible for the child geniuses in the world?
In Itidal’s case, she claims she was Salma, a woman shot by her drunken husband. She remembers working very hard to support her several children. Some memories are a little unclear but the emotions are very real. She comes across as fearful, melancholic and resigned.
In her current life, she is mother to one son and divorced. Her husband forcefully took custody of their son. Contrary to tradition, he also denies her motherly visiting rights. She blames her previous life for her current life events. Throughout her interview, she constantly compares Salma’s life to her own. She shows no hope for the future. It is as if she believes she is pre-destined to have this life so she cannot expect anything better.
As with Suzanne, it is evident that support systems alone are not enough to help Itidal recover from her experience. Edgar Cayce claims that faith in the Creator is enough to overcome anything and everything. In these cases faith is obviously not enough.
Science refuses to accept that reincarnation is real. Thus, there are no professional conventional support models available to these children/adults. Transpersonal and Holistic psychology allows an individual the safety to talk about memories of past lives. Yet, it fails to offer cross-cultural healing models. Even though each individual is taken as a unique case there are no real guidelines available.
Transpersonal Psychology is still a relatively new realm in Europe, let alone the
It is hard enough in Western culture to break through traditional beliefs that only conventional science is right. In areas of political sensitivity, it is even harder still to break through the barriers of prejudice. Religious/spiritual, geographical socio-economical and cultural factors play a big part in communication and understanding.
Globally, when we learn, as Edgar Cayce says, that we are all essentially the same essence; When we put aside our differences and work together; When we stop seeking to only answer the question: Does reincarnation exist or not?; and when egos stop getting in the way; Only then will we find a way to help these children through their experiences.
Thursday 17 January 2008
Farewell and thank you
Dear friends and listeners,
As if this wasn’t enough, I am still in the phase of finishing writing my books and my Masters Degree. For the latter, I have to start writing my Thesis, which is also in book format. The research alone requires enormous amounts of my time.
I have very much enjoyed my time spent at Real Coaching Radio and thank Coach Steve for letting me run riot in his show. My thanks to my friends at TGAMM as well for their support.
Wednesday 2 January 2008
Christmas Special
On Thursday 27th December, Host Coach Steve Toth and myself Co-Host Drª Venerina Conti broadcast a special holiday season show of the International Mind, Body and Soul Show on Real Coaching Radio.
The topic of conversation was the festive season.
One of the points raised was how Christmas, having lost its true meaning nowadays, has become an extraordinarily beneficial time for trade and commerce as people try to outspend each other. It is the one time of year when people will often get themselves into so much debt, they might pass the next 6 months to a year paying that debt off.
With starvation reaching all times highs in the world, have you ever stopped to think about just how much money is overspent “haphazardly” at Christmas and New Year? How much of that is on food? And, out of all that purchased food, how much is thrown away? How much is actually wasted? Have you ever stopped to wonder how many billions of tons of food are wasted every year over the three day period of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day?
Real Coaching Radio is launching a campaign to combat hunger. Find out how by tuning into our show and check out the information on our website: http://www.realcoachingradio.com/
Another holiday favourite that was mentioned during the conversation was stress. People stress themselves out in so many different ways over Christmas and New Year because they feel so many diverse types of pressures coming at them from all around. There’s the pressure to be something someone’s not; there’s the pressure to live up to others’ expectations; there’s the pressure of acceptance, compliance and so forth and so on. Of course, for some, this time of year may be when they feel the pressure of being most alone in the world with no-one to share with.
Why should we work ourselves up into such a frenzy for the sake of a couple of days a year?
Stress is one of the biggest causes of all kinds of depressions at this time of year. It can even reach levels that prove dangerous for the body. Stress can be a killer. So, how can you beat the holidays blues? The stress? The sadness? How can you be less alone at this time of year?
Christmas is meant to be a time of compassion, love and brotherhood; a time when kindness, smiles, warmth and hugs should be abundant. But why should this one day a year be the excuse people need to remember to employ these qualities. Or do they employ them?
It seems to me that … we’ve forgotten something very valuable along the way.
Have a peaceful, joyous and love filled New Year and may these feelings persist throughout the whole of 2008.
Namaste
Venerina
http://www.villavalview.com/
The topic of conversation was the festive season.
One of the points raised was how Christmas, having lost its true meaning nowadays, has become an extraordinarily beneficial time for trade and commerce as people try to outspend each other. It is the one time of year when people will often get themselves into so much debt, they might pass the next 6 months to a year paying that debt off.
With starvation reaching all times highs in the world, have you ever stopped to think about just how much money is overspent “haphazardly” at Christmas and New Year? How much of that is on food? And, out of all that purchased food, how much is thrown away? How much is actually wasted? Have you ever stopped to wonder how many billions of tons of food are wasted every year over the three day period of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day?
Real Coaching Radio is launching a campaign to combat hunger. Find out how by tuning into our show and check out the information on our website: http://www.realcoachingradio.com/
Another holiday favourite that was mentioned during the conversation was stress. People stress themselves out in so many different ways over Christmas and New Year because they feel so many diverse types of pressures coming at them from all around. There’s the pressure to be something someone’s not; there’s the pressure to live up to others’ expectations; there’s the pressure of acceptance, compliance and so forth and so on. Of course, for some, this time of year may be when they feel the pressure of being most alone in the world with no-one to share with.
Why should we work ourselves up into such a frenzy for the sake of a couple of days a year?
Stress is one of the biggest causes of all kinds of depressions at this time of year. It can even reach levels that prove dangerous for the body. Stress can be a killer. So, how can you beat the holidays blues? The stress? The sadness? How can you be less alone at this time of year?
Christmas is meant to be a time of compassion, love and brotherhood; a time when kindness, smiles, warmth and hugs should be abundant. But why should this one day a year be the excuse people need to remember to employ these qualities. Or do they employ them?
It seems to me that … we’ve forgotten something very valuable along the way.
Have a peaceful, joyous and love filled New Year and may these feelings persist throughout the whole of 2008.
Namaste
Venerina
http://www.villavalview.com/
Thursday 13 December 2007
Self Sabotage
On Thursday 6th December, Host Coach Steve Toth and myself Co-Host Dr Venerina Conti, of the Mind, Body and Soul show on the Real Coaching Radio Network, discussed the topic of self sabotage.
What is self sabotage? How does it hold us back? How does it make us our own worst enemy?
Self sabotage happens when we impede ourselves from doing something that we would like to do, or ought to be doing, by letting everything around us get in the way. For example, if we dream of becoming a great painter, so we could establish ourselves in the Artists’ world and maybe have our own exhibitions, painting something every day would help us to improve our skills.
However, if we allowed everything else to get in the way like: being too tired, not having enough time or whatever excuse we choose to use, then we are acting in a way that sabotages our hopes, wishes and dreams, which eventually we will give up on. We have nobody to blame but ourselves. Time does not just occur. Time needs to be created.
We have willingly diverted our attention and focus away from what is important to us. We have made up excuses and found every reason not to be doing what we would like to be doing. But are there underlying reasons for this behaviour? Does self-sabotage go deeper than we imagine? Where exactly is it rooted?
Self-sabotage starts with internal dialogues. Think about this. We are the one person we talk to all day long, ever day, and we are the one and only person we will know all our lives, so why then do we choose to talk to ourselves in such a negative way? Why do we convince ourselves that we are not good enough? Why do we talk ourselves into states of insecurity and destroy our own self-confidence.
If your best friend came to you and asked for your advice, you would show them support and offer them encouragement. So why is it so hard to be your own best friend? Are you not the most important person in your life? If you are not, then you should be because if you are not feeling well and are not capable of taking good care of yourself, then how can you possibly make others feel good or even look after them?
So, how do you talk to yourself all day long? Think about what words you choose to use in your internal dialogues? How do you transmit your being to the world around you?
Rather than focusing on the negative, think about all the good qualities you have. Feel grateful for all the good things you have achieved. Doing a little is better than doing nothing. If you doing something then you can never fail. Be realistic when you set yourself goals. Take one step at a time and do not expect to conquer
Keep a journal, (for your eyes only), where you can write everything down. Show gratitude for what you have. Clearly express in writing what you would like to have and achieve.
Learn to appreciate yourself. How? … Listen in to the exercise Coach Steve Toth and Drª Venerina Conti did, live on air. It takes one minute to change how you feel about yourself and who you will become in the future. Tune into the Mind, Body and Soul Show every Thursday at 8am MST, 3pm GMT.
Friday 30 November 2007
Mind, Body & Soul - Judgment and Criticism
After the thanksgiving re-run and special edition of the Mind, Body and Soul show, with contributions from our outer space friends concerned about how they can develop their bodies, things returned to normal this Thursday at 3pm GMT, (8am MST), for Real Coaching Radio’s International Show.
Host Coach Steve Toth and myself Co-Host Drª Venerina Conti talked about Criticism and Judgment. What they are. What their distinction is. How they are defined and how we use them against ourselves, others and our relationships towards others.
Not all criticism is bad. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, which can be beneficial for our own self-improvement.
When we persistently stand in judgment of ourselves and persistently criticise ourselves we become our own worst enemies. We stop seeing the wood for the trees. We run ourselves into the ground until one day we find we have no self-confidence left. So, we retreat into our comfort zone and avoid anything challenging.
Do we judge others because of our own fears? Do we criticise others because it makes us feel better about who we are or because it makes us feel superior to another human being? The truth is strip away what we do, our roles in society, our status and the whole of the physical world, we are all equals.
Our souls are pure love. Only when we acknowledge this love for ourselves will we find that we no longer need to judge or criticise because everything we need to feel good about ourselves is contained within us already. When we love ourselves, we can love others and be accepting of them the way they are.
The time and energy that we spend on judging and criticising is misplaced time and energy that we could be spending on something constructive, creative and productive that pushes us forward in our lives.
How do you react to judgment and criticism? Find out how you can deal with it without letting it affect you. Listen to our live broadcast from Thursday 29th November on Mind, Body and Soul at Real Coaching Radio.
Until next week,
Namaste
Dr. Venerina Conti, (Holistic Psychologist) and Coach Steve Toth (Executive Director)
www.villavalview.com
Host Coach Steve Toth and myself Co-Host Drª Venerina Conti talked about Criticism and Judgment. What they are. What their distinction is. How they are defined and how we use them against ourselves, others and our relationships towards others.
Not all criticism is bad. There is such a thing as constructive criticism, which can be beneficial for our own self-improvement.
When we persistently stand in judgment of ourselves and persistently criticise ourselves we become our own worst enemies. We stop seeing the wood for the trees. We run ourselves into the ground until one day we find we have no self-confidence left. So, we retreat into our comfort zone and avoid anything challenging.
Do we judge others because of our own fears? Do we criticise others because it makes us feel better about who we are or because it makes us feel superior to another human being? The truth is strip away what we do, our roles in society, our status and the whole of the physical world, we are all equals.
Our souls are pure love. Only when we acknowledge this love for ourselves will we find that we no longer need to judge or criticise because everything we need to feel good about ourselves is contained within us already. When we love ourselves, we can love others and be accepting of them the way they are.
The time and energy that we spend on judging and criticising is misplaced time and energy that we could be spending on something constructive, creative and productive that pushes us forward in our lives.
How do you react to judgment and criticism? Find out how you can deal with it without letting it affect you. Listen to our live broadcast from Thursday 29th November on Mind, Body and Soul at Real Coaching Radio.
Until next week,
Namaste
Dr. Venerina Conti, (Holistic Psychologist) and Coach Steve Toth (Executive Director)
www.villavalview.com
Monday 26 November 2007
Live in the preparation of today ...
As Human beings we are naturally creatures of habit. The older we get the more willing we seem to be to find a comfort zone and stay in it. We have a tendency to procrastinate by getting stuck into our daily routines which somehow have a way of overwhelming us. Days, months and years pass us by, in what seems like a bat of an eyelid, until one day we wake up and realize that we haven’t achieved half the things we hoped for, or dreamt about, when we were younger.
Does this sound familiar to you? Now why should that be?
I would like you to take a moment and think back to your childhood days when you created your imaginary worlds and acted them out in the real world. Think about how you felt. My guess is that back then anything was possible. You didn’t stop to think about the consequences. You didn’t have any fears or doubts. There was nothing to hold you back. You were the sole creator of everything.
How many times did you fearlessly do something like climb up a tree and get stuck? You didn’t worry about getting stuck. You just went ahead and climbed the tree. You only worried about getting down when the need arose. Each event occupied its own time and space. You never thought that far ahead. You took one step at a time and crossed each bridge when you came to it. You never thought about failing or having failed. The aim was to climb the tree which you succeeded in doing.
So, why should things be any different when you become an adult?
The blessing of being an adult is that we have an acquired sense of knowledge from our experiences that help us make more appropriate judgments. The curse of this knowledge though is that we let it hold us back by misusing it to create possible unfounded fears in our minds.
Lets look at the example of our tree. As adults who want to climb the tree, we stand there considering how we are going to get down before we even start to think about how to climb it. Our immediate thoughts are: “What if I get stuck”?, “Who will rescue me if I get stuck”?, “If someone has to rescue me, they will think I am an idiot - at my age - climbing a tree and getting stuck”.
If we haven’t begun climbing yet, how can we possibly know whether there will be a clear way for us to get down?.
What’s happened here? Well, technically, we’ve had a goal shift without even realizing it. Instead of climbing the tree, our goal has now become getting down. We stand there, before the tree, having a series of negative thoughts and internal dialogues with ourselves, until we are completely dissuaded from our original goal. Instead of thinking positively about creative ways we could get down, i.e. by following the same path we use to climb, we choose to persuade ourselves that we cannot do it - full stop. So, we give up. We walk away from the tree and don’t even make an attempt at it.
The problem is though that when we have walked away, we still have a lingering bitter taste of disappointment in ourselves. It’s another goal gone by the way side. It’s another negative self-judgment, which is now stored in our personality profile. It’s another element we add to our failure list.
So, what happens next? Well slowly but surely, as we accumulate negative thoughts about ourselves and about the things we failed to do, we start to shy away from things we would like to do simply because we think we know we are going to fail. We make no attempt at anything that will disappoint us again. We do not trust ourselves anymore. We become insecure and lose best part, if not all, of our self-confidence. So, we only apply ourselves to the realm of things that, (we think), we know for sure that we can succeed at. We create a world around us that is safe and stay locked up in it.
Essentially, we have unwittingly and yet willingly become our own worst enemy by creating an image of ourselves as failures, as losers and as people who are not blessed with special capacities like others who seem to succeed at everything they do. The truth is that we are not giving ourselves a chance. From thereon in, we seem to prefer to shut out any opportunity that we think goes beyond our readily misconstrued abilities and we sadistically deny our true capacity for achievement any benefit of the doubt.
The end result?
We unconsciously or consciously, as the case may be, resent ourselves. We resent those around us because we love to lay blame on them for our shortcomings. We overeat to compensate and then hate ourselves for being overweight. It’s a classic vicious circle in an ongoing spiral. We are unfulfilled and dissatisfied with our job because it does not align with our original goals. We fail to make promotions in our jobs because, although we believe we are up to it, our external behavior tells the world otherwise. We have difficulties in our relationships because, in this frame of being, we choose partners who either over-compensate for us, which in the long term makes us feel completely worthless or under-compensate for us, who in the short term makes us feel better about ourselves.
As human beings we are masters of disguises. We accommodate ourselves and just plod along accepting second or third best instead of the best for us. One day though, when we least expect it, who we truly seeks revenge as it demands to be unleashed. The question is: Are you really going to wait until that happens or are you going to take action now?
It is not enough to just hope, wish or think that something is going to happen. There is an Italian motto that says: “Dio aiuta chi si aiuta”, which translated means: “God helps those who help themselves”. So, you need to take action. You need to take responsibility for yourself in the here and now if you want the future to be different. Mahatma Ghandi once said: You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Search deep in your soul and find out how you got to be where you are. Ask yourself what it is that holds you back. Put them in groups. Is it money? time? fears?
Name them all. Write them down. Acknowledge them. Then write down next to each one all of the subgroup excuses like: “I don’t earn enough”, “I work too many hours”, “I am useless at drawing”, whatever , but be sure to write them all down until you have no excuses left to write. By writing them down you are taking a step in being willing to face them. By facing them, you can work through them and then let them go.
Dig a little deeper into yourself and decide what it is exactly that you did, or failed to do in your life, that was so bad you cannot forgive yourself. Write them down. Acknowledge them. Face them and learn to forgive yourself. Tell yourself that you forgive yourself and love yourself. Tell yourself that you are sorry, that you made a mistake and that you are willing to start over. Commit to the words you tell yourself.
Then, write down all the things you have ever wanted from life. Have them clear in your mind and on the paper in front of you. Start to think of ways you can make extra time, extra money, be better at whatever it is you want. Write them down. Write down the qualities you love about yourself even the ones you lost somewhere along the way.
Set yourself realistic daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals. Write them down in a journal and after each day or each week keep a written track of your progress. Learn to prioritize. Learn to manage your time better. It does not matter if you have to carry some of your goals over from one day to the next. Do not be hard on yourself because of it. Just know that you will whatever it is the following day. The important thing is to keep moving forward.
Make your end goal climbing the tree and not worrying about what the end result will be. As long as you are moving forward towards what you want, you cannot fail. As long as you are changing your views about you, you are already a winner. Doing something is better than nothing and by doing something you will begin to see a turn around in your world. Nobody can fail when they are doing their best. Praise yourself for your achievements and do not judge them by anyone else’s standards. You are you and you are unique.
Live in the preparation of today and the tomorrow will come by itself.
Drª Venerina Conti
Holistic Psychologist, Freelance Writer & Life Balance Coach
www.venerinaconti.com
www.villavalview.com
Available for completely confidential and anonymous consultations
Copyright: venrecords 2007
Does this sound familiar to you? Now why should that be?
I would like you to take a moment and think back to your childhood days when you created your imaginary worlds and acted them out in the real world. Think about how you felt. My guess is that back then anything was possible. You didn’t stop to think about the consequences. You didn’t have any fears or doubts. There was nothing to hold you back. You were the sole creator of everything.
How many times did you fearlessly do something like climb up a tree and get stuck? You didn’t worry about getting stuck. You just went ahead and climbed the tree. You only worried about getting down when the need arose. Each event occupied its own time and space. You never thought that far ahead. You took one step at a time and crossed each bridge when you came to it. You never thought about failing or having failed. The aim was to climb the tree which you succeeded in doing.
So, why should things be any different when you become an adult?
The blessing of being an adult is that we have an acquired sense of knowledge from our experiences that help us make more appropriate judgments. The curse of this knowledge though is that we let it hold us back by misusing it to create possible unfounded fears in our minds.
Lets look at the example of our tree. As adults who want to climb the tree, we stand there considering how we are going to get down before we even start to think about how to climb it. Our immediate thoughts are: “What if I get stuck”?, “Who will rescue me if I get stuck”?, “If someone has to rescue me, they will think I am an idiot - at my age - climbing a tree and getting stuck”.
If we haven’t begun climbing yet, how can we possibly know whether there will be a clear way for us to get down?.
What’s happened here? Well, technically, we’ve had a goal shift without even realizing it. Instead of climbing the tree, our goal has now become getting down. We stand there, before the tree, having a series of negative thoughts and internal dialogues with ourselves, until we are completely dissuaded from our original goal. Instead of thinking positively about creative ways we could get down, i.e. by following the same path we use to climb, we choose to persuade ourselves that we cannot do it - full stop. So, we give up. We walk away from the tree and don’t even make an attempt at it.
The problem is though that when we have walked away, we still have a lingering bitter taste of disappointment in ourselves. It’s another goal gone by the way side. It’s another negative self-judgment, which is now stored in our personality profile. It’s another element we add to our failure list.
So, what happens next? Well slowly but surely, as we accumulate negative thoughts about ourselves and about the things we failed to do, we start to shy away from things we would like to do simply because we think we know we are going to fail. We make no attempt at anything that will disappoint us again. We do not trust ourselves anymore. We become insecure and lose best part, if not all, of our self-confidence. So, we only apply ourselves to the realm of things that, (we think), we know for sure that we can succeed at. We create a world around us that is safe and stay locked up in it.
Essentially, we have unwittingly and yet willingly become our own worst enemy by creating an image of ourselves as failures, as losers and as people who are not blessed with special capacities like others who seem to succeed at everything they do. The truth is that we are not giving ourselves a chance. From thereon in, we seem to prefer to shut out any opportunity that we think goes beyond our readily misconstrued abilities and we sadistically deny our true capacity for achievement any benefit of the doubt.
The end result?
We unconsciously or consciously, as the case may be, resent ourselves. We resent those around us because we love to lay blame on them for our shortcomings. We overeat to compensate and then hate ourselves for being overweight. It’s a classic vicious circle in an ongoing spiral. We are unfulfilled and dissatisfied with our job because it does not align with our original goals. We fail to make promotions in our jobs because, although we believe we are up to it, our external behavior tells the world otherwise. We have difficulties in our relationships because, in this frame of being, we choose partners who either over-compensate for us, which in the long term makes us feel completely worthless or under-compensate for us, who in the short term makes us feel better about ourselves.
As human beings we are masters of disguises. We accommodate ourselves and just plod along accepting second or third best instead of the best for us. One day though, when we least expect it, who we truly seeks revenge as it demands to be unleashed. The question is: Are you really going to wait until that happens or are you going to take action now?
It is not enough to just hope, wish or think that something is going to happen. There is an Italian motto that says: “Dio aiuta chi si aiuta”, which translated means: “God helps those who help themselves”. So, you need to take action. You need to take responsibility for yourself in the here and now if you want the future to be different. Mahatma Ghandi once said: You must be the change you wish to see in the world.
Search deep in your soul and find out how you got to be where you are. Ask yourself what it is that holds you back. Put them in groups. Is it money? time? fears?
Name them all. Write them down. Acknowledge them. Then write down next to each one all of the subgroup excuses like: “I don’t earn enough”, “I work too many hours”, “I am useless at drawing”, whatever , but be sure to write them all down until you have no excuses left to write. By writing them down you are taking a step in being willing to face them. By facing them, you can work through them and then let them go.
Dig a little deeper into yourself and decide what it is exactly that you did, or failed to do in your life, that was so bad you cannot forgive yourself. Write them down. Acknowledge them. Face them and learn to forgive yourself. Tell yourself that you forgive yourself and love yourself. Tell yourself that you are sorry, that you made a mistake and that you are willing to start over. Commit to the words you tell yourself.
Then, write down all the things you have ever wanted from life. Have them clear in your mind and on the paper in front of you. Start to think of ways you can make extra time, extra money, be better at whatever it is you want. Write them down. Write down the qualities you love about yourself even the ones you lost somewhere along the way.
Set yourself realistic daily, weekly, monthly and yearly goals. Write them down in a journal and after each day or each week keep a written track of your progress. Learn to prioritize. Learn to manage your time better. It does not matter if you have to carry some of your goals over from one day to the next. Do not be hard on yourself because of it. Just know that you will whatever it is the following day. The important thing is to keep moving forward.
Make your end goal climbing the tree and not worrying about what the end result will be. As long as you are moving forward towards what you want, you cannot fail. As long as you are changing your views about you, you are already a winner. Doing something is better than nothing and by doing something you will begin to see a turn around in your world. Nobody can fail when they are doing their best. Praise yourself for your achievements and do not judge them by anyone else’s standards. You are you and you are unique.
Live in the preparation of today and the tomorrow will come by itself.
Drª Venerina Conti
Holistic Psychologist, Freelance Writer & Life Balance Coach
www.venerinaconti.com
www.villavalview.com
Available for completely confidential and anonymous consultations
Copyright: venrecords 2007
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